October Song (Part 4 - Finale.)

[A/N: Writing this story has taught me more about myself than people understand. Seeing all the perspectives that came about from just reading my experience, every single piece of advice, every observation and thought has been appreciated. And so, I present to you, October Song: The Finale. It's been beautiful, it's been an experience, but it's also been emotional to go through this again. I'm finally ready to let go, and fully commit myself to the love that's in front of me. Enjoy, beloveds.]

I always thought that this would be the last thing I'd find myself doing; writing about this like it was no longer apart of me. Someone told me that my promise to always be there for October would mean nothing less to Our Star if it meant that I was tearing myself apart to remain in his life.

I needed to hear that.

And so.. for the longest time, I told myself that when I was ready to let go, I'd do so in a manner which I'm familiar with. So, this is an open letter, to a love that never truly was mine to keep. One that broke me, taught me to heal myself and prepared me for what I have now.

[Play track below as you read]

Dear October,

I was never ready for a love like yours. I truly was never ready to commit without commitment, and love without obligation, yet that is exactly what I did. I took myself out of the comfort of the walls that I built and opened my heart to shelter you, to heal you when I myself was far from put together. I poured from my cup, not realizing that I was leaving nothing for myself.

You are nothing short of amazing. Your mind is one of the most beautiful parts of you, aside from your heart. You should always remember that, just as I'll always remember you. As I write this, the memories of your season in my life flash through my mind at a mile a minute, in a constant loop. Nostalgia is a thief in how it montages our memories, omitting the pain and only showing us what we want to see. But I see it all, pain and joy. Oh man, when we were good we were great, and when we weren't.. well, we weren't so great.

There was never a formal title to us, but we knew what it was. What's known doesn't need to be explained. There was never so much as a conversation about where it was headed or where it came from. Everything was as if it was meant to be that way. Until I realized that I'd never truly be what you wanted, and you'd never be the man I imagined you to be.

Yes, it stung to think that the person I was in love with would never truly begin to understand what he meant to me. You would never truly understand the mountains I'd have moved for you, nor the sacrifices I made already.

Yes, I said it, I love you.

I always have, and I always will. I loved you, yes. I was in love with you, yes. But I no longer find myself in that space. My love for you has lasted a season, a good season, but it is nothing more than that.

I loved you when I didn't know it.

I loved you when I did.

I loved you when you needed me to,

and even when you didn't need me to, I loved you. There was nothing I wouldn't have done to keep you around, and to make you happy. Because that's what you do for the people you love.

And I can't ever begin to lie and say there weren't good moments because there were, just not many enough for me to stay in the constant cycle of falling in and out of love for you. I hated that I was never going to have you like you did me. You had my heart, you saw parts of me -physically and emotionally- that I'd never show anyone before. As much as it hurts, you'll always have a part of me that I can never get back. But I needed to realize that it wasn't enough to make me stay.

I wasn't going to hold onto you forever. I knew in my heart that couldn't be. I was holding onto memories, feelings, emotions that faded ages ago. I also needed to be reminded that Our Star would never have wanted me to break myself down, just to pour out of my cup into another. My love for Our Star would not seem any less genuine if I chose myself over you, and surely, I'd have decided to let him rest, knowing that those he loves are okay.

It's been time for me to let go, and now that I'm ready, I wish you all the best of luck in this life. I'll always be cheering you on, from the sidelines. I'll always love you from afar, I'll always be praying for you like I do. Thank you for loving me, and learning me, and thank you for the last 2AM call.

Love always,

Iyaloo.